[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Rachel is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Natalie. So everyone, please put your hands together for Rachel!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now Rachel you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
You: Gibs.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Gibs, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Rachel, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Hannah!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a Killer Sausage Dog. Hannah reaches for the chaise lounge . Out of the shadows Andrew appears]
Andrew: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Hannah.
Hannah: Because I saw Rachel and Andrew making out at Ann Summers!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
Andrew: That's a lie! I was home watching Neighbours!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Hannah?
Hannah: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Natalie who has recently become engaged to Andrew.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Natalie out here because Rachel had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Gibs that's right!
Natalie: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Gibs! You know how I feel about Gibs!
Andrew: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Gibs!
Natalie: Because I knew that I could never have Gibs. But Rachel promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Andrew: What about respect for my feelings!
[Hannah walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Natalie]
Hannah: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
Andrew: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[Andrew runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
Andrew: Rachel take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
Andrew: Married?
[You nod]
Andrew: Who the hell are you married to? When . when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Gibs.
Natalie: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
Gibs: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 500 times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight . Rachel is married to Gibs who Natalie has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Natalie has recently become engaged to Andrew who was recently spotted kissing Rachel in Ann Summers. Now on top of this, Hannah has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Natalie.
Gibs: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]
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